Definition of heartache

Sad post - don't mean to bring anyone down, just need to "talk".

I went to bed happy, yet utterly exhausted at 7:40pm last night. It's nights like that, when I'm too tired, that my mind lets its' guard down.

Around 1:30 or so, I had a dream. There was nothing bad in the dream, it just was about things that I've gone through in the past. Particularly the loss of my children. Grief grabbed my heart and put the squeeze on. I was sobbing in my slumber. The pain was very real, and it was almost debilitating.

I tried to wake up and managed to rise into semi-conciousness enough to realize what was happening. I tried taking deep, cleansing breaths and finally managed to make the tears subside somewhat. I then grabbed my magazine that I'd been reading earlier and started reading to distract myself. I did go back to sleep and had a decent rest for a few more hours, but even today, the pain is there.

The human body and mind is a mystery, no matter how much research has been put into learning about it. How does the mind manage to supress hurtful things so successfully? When a body is so exhausted, does the mind have to go to sleep too, allowing the pain and anguish to come flooding out? How does the heart seem to clench up when we're so sorrowful? How can a person live through such pain without the heart actually breaking into tiny shards?

I feel as though I'm in mourning yet again today. It'll be worse through the holidays, but I didn't expect it to start so early. I have a ball of tears at the back of my throat, and I feel depression trying to sneak up on me. I hate feeling this way, and all the grieving in the world won't do a bit of good. What's gone by is done and finished. Life has moved on. I can't change things, no matter how much I would have liked to. I can't make time move backwards. All I can do is try to move on and be the best I can be.

Sorry to be so maudlin so early in the day, but I felt the overwhelming need to put my thoughts out there for someone else to read. I need to convince myself that I'm going to be ok.